PI Hockey League - PIHL 2003

After moving to Waterloo last October, the new postdocs faced the task of looking for things to do around here, besides physics. Interesting activities seem to be hard to find, and the founding researchers seemed to be either workaholics, or tight-lipped about their extra-curricular activities. As a solution, we then decided to pick a sport, but at first we weren't sure about which one. Pretty soon the Canadian weather prompted an obvious answer, leading to the foundation of the PIHL (PI Hockey League).

PI's admin staff subtly reacted against this dangerous possibility by putting a chess table and pieces in a prominent position in the lounge area. But it was too late: an unspoken pact had already been established. The chess set remained untouched, while hockey sticks, skates and persons inquiring about dental insurance coverage became a familiar sight in PI.

Activities started in early January, spurred by the interest of snow-savvy people such as Ernesto (Brazil), Ivette (Mexico) and David Mateos (Spain). Two ice rinks were found in PI's neighborhood, and soon the newcomers were acquainting themselves with the hard icy surface. David Poulin and Fred were kind enough to coach the rookies into the fine art of dirty Quebecquois hockey tricks.

We thought the playing would be as easy as on TV, and hopefully less bloody. We were wrong on both counts... To start with, a choice had to be made between leaning on the stick to keep upright, or using it to hit the puck. Any attempt to do both things at once resulted in an interesting, if short, ice skating coreography with a predictable end. After a few sessions we did manage to learn to pick up speed, only to find out that slowing down was a much harder task. The result was a constant stream of skaters flying out of the rink and into the snow.

From the beginning, John Brodie drew attention by being the only one with complete equipment, including a helmet. When asked about this, he replied that his mother always told him that hockey players lose their teeth. These words would soon come back to haunt our players.

Progress was relatively fast. Sheer determination drove David Mateos to be the fastest learner; David Winters also improved markedly, keeping a low profile only to surprise the defense and score goals. Ernesto also got better thanks to an apparent lack of fear (and perhaps delight) in falling spectacularly. Meanwhile, Ivette, Nathalie and Isabelle were adapting their figure skating skills to hockey. It was amusing to see these skills being employed during a game. For example, when D. Mateos and John get tough in a testosterone-driven dispute, Ivette can be seen waiting while placidly executing some figures on the ice.

The first blood was drawn by David Winters, who spread his razor-sharp skates in all directions during a fall, hitting and maiming... himself. After having a look at his pretty bad cut in the wrist, David just bandaged it and kept playing. What he didn't say was the reason for that -- had he gone to the hospital with that cut, there's no telling how long he'd be explaining himself to the sympathetic staff of the emergency psychiatric unit.

The first serious injury, however, was sustained by our friend Florian, very competent in all sorts of winter sports. Playing as a goalie, he valiantly saved the goal from a shot from our Swedish visitor Marie Ericsson. Unfortunately the puck flew up upon hitting his stick, directly into his mouth. A group of pretty scared players tried to help him find his broken tooth on the ice, before taking him to hospital. Later we heard that the missing tooth was all the time just under Florian's nose -- more precisely, lodged in his cut lip. Mrs. Brodie's sage words started to ring true...

In a brilliant display of sportmanship, Florian re-joined us on the ice just a week after, which helped calm down the nerves of the PIHL players. The accident prompted the change to a softer puck (ignoring D. Poulin's mumbles about the virtues of a rock-hard puck). Even the tough John Brodie seemed a bit shaken the next game, spending minutes silently wrapping his hockey stick into bubble wrap ("To avoid liability charges", he explained). For a couple of weeks Florian's frozen blood pool could still be seen on the ice... Slowly the confidence was regained, and soon the likes of Raymond, Fred, D. Poulin, John and D. Mateos were amiably hitting each other as usual.

Then disaster struck for the second time. In a particularly fast moving game, Ernesto inadvertently hit PI's visitor Dorje Brody in the face, knocking part of one tooth out and giving him a black eye. The next day Dorje gave a talk at Hamilton, which presumably helped spread PI's tough reputation in the region. David Winters neatly summarized the situation after this third accident: "Score: Visitors 1 x PI 1". He was, of course, disregarding his own "self-goal".

To curb the violence and prevent the PIHL from degenerating into something like 'Fight Club', the coaches D. Poulin and Fred started thinking of stiffer penalties. One possibility being considered is a 'Clockwork Orange'-type therapy in which the most violent players would be forced to watch multiple re-runs of the film 'Slapshot', perhaps accompanied by some Celine Dion music. Similarly concerned, John came up with a suggestion to Colleen: to add a MouthGuard to the standard PI Visitor Welcome package, "for added comfort in social interactions with our scientific staff".

As the season draws to an end, it is unclear what the situation will be for PIHL next year. Some players seem to be warming up to the idea of chess confrontations. David Mateos has retreated into the safer realm of salsa classes. But the definitive solution was proposed by some of the most vicious PI hockey players, and seems to be gathering strength. It is practically decided: next winter PI will become famous for its figure skating team.